The ongoing pandemic is taking a toll on our mental health. Many recent studies show anxiety and depression on the rise in the U.S. - and across the world - due to concerns about the virus and its ripple effect on our daily lives. For some people with preexisting mental health issues, the isolation and uncertainty of the pandemic can be especially stressful. Arizona poet Austin Davis knows that. He’s dealt with OCD – obsessive compulsive disorder - most of his life, and has had some difficult days the last few months. In this week’s Poetry Friday segment, Austin talks about the mental health benefits of writing, and shares a poem from his new collection, Celestial Night Light.
AD: You know, the virus and the current pandemic has really made it a lot harder to get out of my head sometimes. OCD is all about fear.
When I was a kid – this is just one example – one of my fears was when I was in the back of a car I was afraid that if I didn’t put up on the front of the driver’s seat, that we were going to crash the car. You know, that’s just such an unreasonable thing for my brain to tell me is true. But, I really believed it.
As I got older, I had more and more of these fears pop up, and it’s very overwhelming. But I learned what I needed to do was write. Writing has saved my life, but it’s also how I can get everything I’m feeling, all the millions of things just popping and flying around in my head out and into the world. It’s a great form of therapy.
Recently, over the last couple of months, I’ve really seen how important it is for me personally to choose the healthy path of getting better mentally. I think sometimes it’s very easy when you’re feeling overwhelmed and in your head to be like, maybe I should drink a little bit, or maybe I should give in to the obsession, you know what I mean? Maybe I should ask for reassurance. And you obsess over this little moment so much, that by the end, you’re telling yourself that you did something awful that day, that you hurt someone or you made a big mistake, even though in reality you didn’t really do anything.
I’ve learned that it’s so much better in the long run to choose mindfulness and meditation. Those are the big things that help me in writing. If you’re struggling with any kind of mental illness, I urge you to choose the healthy path. Even though it’s harder right now, it will be easier in the long run.
This poem is titled I wonder if You Threw Away My Toothbrush
We shared a smoke in the early morning,
walking down a street of frozen gravel
as the moon sank into a lip of blue clouds.
We flicked our ashes
and I thought about how cold it gets
when winter is ending.
A dog barked in the distance.
Our shoes crunched against the rocks
like a voice making its way out of a mouth of broken teeth.
We talked about the way the leaves fall
in a perfect circle on those rare occasions
when the wind finds a way
to twist itself into a finger.
I stretched my body into a shadow
and picked you an orange
from the top of our neighbor’s tree.
I thought about how our neighbor loves his wife
but goes on a few too many business trips.
We walked home in silence,
me spitting tobacco
and you dropping orange peels
in shapes I’d never seen.
The dog kept barking.
The moon kept falling.
You stopped and crushed the orange in your fist
the way outer space chokes a naked throat.
A stream of juice washed down your wrist
and you began to cry. I began to cry.
I held you and breathed in your smoke.
You held me and made my neck sticky.
Our neighbor’s dog fell asleep across the street
as we kissed each other in the dark.
You wiped your nose and slapped a mosquito
on your arm. I cleared my throat.
We made our way through the same yard
we used to lay a sheet on and watch the stars from
when we were too young to know that each star
we could see was bigger and brighter than the sun.
I kissed your forehead
and you crawled into bed.
I walked out onto the patio
and lit another cigarette,
praying that tomorrow
it would rain so loud and for so long,
we wouldn’t have to think or talk
about what is or what was ever again.
Austin's latest book of online poetry, Celestial Night Light, is due for release July 7th. The book is free and downloadable from Ghost City Press.
(Music: Mac Miller, Good News)
Poetry Friday is produced by KNAU's Gillian Ferris. If you have an idea for a segment, drop her an email at Gillian.Ferris@nau.edu.
